Monday, March 1, 2010

The End and the Beginning....in that order.

So a few weeks ago, my husband came to me and said we should probably get a divorce. Wait, what? Im sorry, could you please repeat that? I was hurt. I was shocked. But there was more. He had an affair. I couldnt believe this was happening to me. I have never felt pain like that in my entire life. I cried. I screamed. I threw all of his shit out onto the front lawn like you see in the movies. I wanted to curl up in a ball and be left alone for the rest of my days. I wanted him dead. I wanted her dead. I wished I was dead. I banished my kids and my adulterous bastard of a husband and laid in my own filth for three days. I cried all night long. I wondered why? What had I done to deserve this? Why would he do that to me? I felt so alone. He was my anchor and now I was floating out to sea. I wanted him to go away and leave me alone but I wanted him to come home and make everything alright. Needless to say, I was confused. And also, possible mentally unstable. But thats to be expected, right?
And then something REALLY strange happened. I started looking at myself and how I really felt about this man. Why was I so sad over him? Truth be told, I didnt even really like him that much. Why was I so worried about being alone? I had basically been alone for years. He didnt fulfill my needs, he didnt make me feel happy. Hell, if i won lotto I probably would have left him first. But still....there was something there. So we started talking. We have been together for twelve years and I think the last time I TALKED to him, (without wishing he would die in his sleep) was before our wedding. He sat next to me and he answered my questions and he held my hand and he told me he wasnt sure about us either. We went out to dinner for the first time in two years, alone without the kids. We started to be honest about where our marriage was. We sat there together with all of the hurt and the anger and the sadness and the mistrust between us. It sucked.
And that is where we are now....we are trying to heal. We are trying to have a do-over. We have wasted years being unhappy and we both want to find some happiness whether its together or not.
BUT....with all of that being said, this blog isnt about marriage or divorce. Its about me. I dont know where my marriage will end up but I do know that I need something to help me process this journey Im on right now. I feel like someone pushed me onto a rollercoaster I had no intention of riding. I guess I will have to see if I enjoy the ride.

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